My History

Many of you who know me, will know that i have many phobias, some stupid, some not so. I'm afraid of small spaces, loud noises, things that make me jump, spiders, the dark, being left alone, but I'm also scared about talking about my past. Many things have happened in my past which I'm not proud of and that I'm ashamed to admit. The things that happen in your past are the things that make you who you are today, some peoples experiences are worse than others, but its the things that happen that shape your personality. I'm about to share with you some of the things that have happened in my past that makes me who i am now.
Of course it takes 2 people to create a child, in my case my mum and my dad. They weren't a match made in heaven and they split up before i was born. To this day, and I'm 15 now, i don't know clearly what happened between them, i just know that the violence and alcohol wouldn't have been healthy bringing me up. If you've read my previous blogs you'll know that i love my mum but as much as i love her, she likes to get new boyfriends and move me around the country alot.
I've lived everywhere there is to live in England and I've been to countless numbers of schools, always trying hard to fit in and make friends and when i do i get pulled out of that place and dumped in a new mouldy council flat where i have to start again. 
Then there are the boyfriend's, there has been a lot, some nice, some not so. I'm scared of many things as i said but another is bonding with male adults, i find it very hard, going through life you'll find that I'm not very close with many males in my life, my step dad, my older brother, I'm not very close to them, other peoples dads, I'm terrified, I'm sure they are all lovely but my history just tells me to stay away, Your probably wondering why, but the truth is, from the age of a young girl i was, physically, emotionally and mentally abused by one of my mums boyfriends, he made my life living hell and i haven't been the same since. 
No one knew and i lived like that for years, i spent years of my life in terror of going home and facing what awaited me there. In school towards the end of the day i would dread coming home, i would feel sick when i say him in the playground waiting to collect me. It was years after, many bruises and tears after i finally cracked. I told, its hard to live like that. i wont go into detail of what happened, but it was pretty bad. He's dented my confidence in many ways. I have no self confidence or respect, I'm terrified of the dark because he used to wait for me in the dark and scare me, hence the reason i hate things that made me jump. Loud noises, the sounds of my parents arguing, and the sound of him yelling at me, as he took his anger out on me, leaving me scarred in many ways. 
One day i might recover from the horrible ordeals i faced as a child, and one day I'll get my own back on him, and he will feel the pain he caused me all these years. But still i thank him, because if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be me, the person i am today, but you have to remember there is a whole world out there for you to change and you cant let your past hold you back


xxx