I HATE YOU

One thing i hate more than anything else is cancer. Why does it exist. Its a complete waste of space and it takes countless number of lives every year. 


There are an estimated 12.7 million cases of cancer worldwide and this number is expected to increase to 30 million by 2030 which is a lot of innocent people dying leaving behind their families.


Why does one teeny tiny lump turn into something so dangerous and aggresive, with no cure cancer is unstoppable and a cure needs to be found before more people are lost.


I Really hate cancer and I know a lot of you may also agree with me.

Changes..

Most human beings are afraid of change, its a natural feeling. I've gone through change most of my life and I'm almost adapted to it but nothing could have prepared me for the last months. It's been a crazy  whirlwind ride leaving me feeling sick and full of emotion and I'm taking this opportunity to let it out.


A few weeks ago now, i remember being really excited because i was on my way to a concert. i look back now and that was my last normal day before everything was taken from beneath me leaving me falling. 


I'm still not sure how it happened, its all a blur. I was a stable family, the most stability I've felt in my life, and for me that's good. i need support behind me and it was reassuring having that all  but now.. nothing. gone.


Now I'm on my own again. Don't get me wrong i enjoy my own company but i miss my hectic busy lifestyle before. now I'm on my own in the middle of nowhere with no support. i feel helpless and i cant help feeling its my fault.


I'm still not back yet, not fully there, almost on auto pilot and its frightening. walking round saying and doing things i don't mean to because i cant concentrate. 


It really hurt. before my exams and it made me ill. really ill. i had to fight to stay awake moving from house to car. car to house. Wiltshire to Bristol. took everything out of me and i had days off. I'm still exhausted but I'm slowly building back my strength and i hope that with my friends around me i can face the loneliness I'm dealing with.


thank you.

Trapped

Trapped.

Encased in this shell,

Looking, never seeing,

Behind metal bars,

A criminal in life,

Never right, never wrong,

Stuck in this cycle,

Never ending pain,

Nothing glorified,

Just trapped.

Trapped.

I Love You

Its been a while since I've written about the boy i love and he's really stressed at the moment so I'm going to write him a blog. a Nice blog telling him how much i love him because he deserves every word.


He doesn't think he's attractive at all but i think completely different, i think he is the most good looking boy I've ever met and his eyes are to die for.


He's going through so much at the minute with people tweeting about him and having to listen to people moan and complain and still complete all of his course work with these worries. He fights through and its amazing, he has so much strength and i respect him for that. Without him i wouldn't be the same and I've started to become dependant on him and without him i wouldn't smile as much as i do :)


I didn't think i could ever feel this way but i know with all the memories we've had we have soo many to come. He's helped me through all the hard things I've had to over come and i thank him for that. 


Its the feeling of when he comes and finds me at break and i see him standing in my tutor each time, a different surprise for me. Or when he knocks on my door his hair soaking wet from the rain with that little cheeky smile on his face, i take him for granted and i know i do and i know i shouldn't. 


We went on a date for valentines day, just to the cinema and even though it wasn't a fancy restaurant belonging to a famous chef or anywhere amazing i still had such a good time. when we sat next each other i saw him looking at me out of the corner of his eye and it made my heart jump in my chest and the feeling was amazing. i know i never want this feeling to go so I'm going to stay with him forever because i cant let him go.

Iloveyou Luke x

The Detrimental Side To Love

To days events have made me think about the detrimental side to love. Nothing is quite as it seems. You can never get what you want. And if you do, you end up getting hurt beyond repair.


Everybody sees things differently to other people and i wish you could see things the way we all see them through our eyes and you would give up. I know how you feel, i really do, i just want you to realise the outcome.


Myself. Why cant i realise that I'm going to end up getting hurt? Every time i think about it i feel sick, and i never know when it will happen again, and i cant rely on my instincts anymore..


What to do?

Why?...

Why is one of the most frequently asked questions. Why does this happen, Why is she doing that, Why won't it work? Children say it all the time but i think it all the time.
Why did i say that?
Why did i let him get away with that?
Why didn't i answer the phone?
Why didn't i tell the truth?
Why, Why, Why?


Everyday i ask myself a different why question. Sometimes i think the word shouldn't have been invented. 
Today's why?-
Why do i always push people away?
No matter what happens or what situation I'm in i always push people away and now its starting to bug me. I'm starting to think he shouldn't be with me because it wont last because I'll ruin it. I'm starting to think that I'm making everything he says up. He shouldn't be with me.  Why?

This Is It, This Is Love

Today I learnt that no matter what happens you will always be there for me when others are not. I want to thank you for that because I need you.


When this all began I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, I just thought you wanted a fling. I never thought we would end up being like this. I don't know how you feel about me I just know my feelings. I've written many blogs about you but my feelings have grown since then so here is a new one.


I've always been scared to be myself with boys, I wont eat, buy anything in front of them and silly things like that but this week i had to tackle them all. You became 18 and i was worried that things might change for us because people might become wary about your age but fortunately everything is going smoothly. We went on a date for valentines day and our anniversary and we went to the cinema. In all the films when you go on a date and you sit next to the person you like and you can feel the almost electricity between you? It was like that, i was in awe. I knew then that i was in love. You were staring at me the whole time and it was making me nervous but i didn't realise you felt the same.

I'm with you because i love you, not because i want to compete with anyone else, i want this feeling to last and to never go. Your not just a boyfriend to me, but one of my best friends, i know that you'll always be there for me when I'm crying and when things are going on i can tell you and you wont tell a soul. You know how i feel these days, and sometimes i think you are one of the only people who can almost see things through my eyes and what i have to live with and help me through that. You always put yourself down for helping me, but you always do. You give the best advice and you always help me. I just wish that you would come to me a bit more. 
You always get  insecure thinking that I'll leave you and go out with someone else but i wont. In my eyes, its just you, there is no one else. Its you i don't want to leave me.
People don't know what I'm going through but you do, I'm really grateful that i can tell you things and you understand. If it wasn't for you right now, i wouldn't be me and i would have lost it, so thank you for being 
there and being my rock. 
Its hard to write and put my feelings into words because it might seem like I'm copying someone but i think you know how i feel. Words cant sum up how i feel...


When I'm not with you i feel lost but when I'm with you I'm lost for words. I don't know how I'm going to be without you but I'm going to try because i know that we still have forever <3