My Memory

My brain chooses to remember the little things that have happened to me. I remember all the dates and all the little irrelevant things said. I remember silly things that I'll never need to know again.


I remember what happened a year today, but i bet you don't. I remember all the songs you played me, all the texts you sent me, all the hours i wasted talking to you on the phone about pointless things. I remember the laughs and tears we shared. I remember all the good points as well as the bad. But your just a memory. We're over now, and you don't remember. You got over me like a dream. 


Humans remember things that are important to them and have some significance to them so maybe i remember all these things for a reason? Maybe you remember some of them too, i hope you do. You changed me for the better and I'm grateful for that.


This blog was written about a person, who will know who they are, and I'd like to thank them for everything they gave me and the person they made me today <3

Jealousy

Everyone gets jealous at some points in their life, and me, i get jealous most of the time. I always tend to get jealous of one person who I'm so close to in my life i just couldn't live with out them. But at the same time, its hard living with them when you want everything they have. So without causing offence, I'm going to try and explain the feelings i have.


This girl is beautiful, and she knows it. All of her features are perfect and every minute of every day she always looks gorgeous. When I'm with her i always look so bad. I wish i could look like her.


She's good at absolutely everything and I'm not. Even if i can do something, she always outshines me and does it 10 times better and it always makes me feel so low and bad about myself. Even when people try and boost my confidence by telling me i'm better than her it never works. I always feel second best to her, and like I'm living in her shadow. 


She has a really good love life, and a decent guy who really values her. He's good looking and he's always been nice to me. I wish i could have a decent relationship like that where i don't get cheated on or left.


It really does put me down, i love her to pieces but i always feel so little and pointless next to her, and I've tried to tell myself that you know, maybe i am better than her at some things but it still never works. 


I hope this didn't cause any offence to anyone <3

Mate, Date or Slate?

There are many people that make my life complete, as you'll know if you've read my previous blogs, my sister, mother and my boyfriend, who is now my ex. He did something that he shouldn't have and he knows, that, so I'm writing this blog to thank him for everything he did. I know he wont read it, so i can admit my true feelings.


My sister fancied him, and i swore hands down i would never fall for someone my sister likes. The amount of times we went to see him, and the amount of times we hung out he had no affect on me what so ever, i just considered him as a friend, they guy who would hopefully make my sister happy, but he didn't. They just didn't click. We used to text a lot, and we were probably flirting, and everyone got mad at me, stop texting him they would all say, but i didn't. We had a camp out and i was cold, he put his arms around me, i just thought as it being friendly. We got dared to kiss and boom, that was it, it was at that moment i realised i would go out of my way to do anything for this boy, i kept it secret though, didn't tell a soul.
We went out one night because i was sad, it was cold and dark, and we were sat on a rock in the middle of no where and he had his arms wrapped around me and he was kissing my neck, friends don't do that? but i let it slip because i knew i loved him. He obviously felt something for me if he was doing that. I stood up and faced him and my heart was beating in my chest, because staring into his eyes made me dizzy, it still does. I think i knew then it was going to happen, he said some really cute cheesy line and lent in to kiss me and i swear the world paused. feeling his warm breath on my face, and his hands on my waist, his lips pressed against mine, i cant explain what happened in that moment, it was breathtakingly magical and i will never forget. After that there was no separating us, everywhere we went we were together and when no one was looking we stole kisses and he would hold my hand. Then everything in my world came tumbling down, someone had found out what we were doing behind every ones backs and spread the word. Everyone turned against me and we weren't allowed to see each other. I remember considering running away, or harming myself because i knew i couldn't live without him. 
I was grounded and banned from seeing him, but that Friday after school when we were lead in the field, i was so nervous, my heart was in the mouth the whole time, just being with him sent my heart into over drive. 
We had many memories after that. We decided to date again and we told our parents and everything went OK , everyone was happy. I knew he had a history but i never thought he'd cheat on me. I'm trying to forget it so i wont go into detail but my heart was broken and my confidence dented, and now, i know that being in love like that will be hard, because i wont be able to trust. But everyday i wake up i know that i pushed him away and made him kiss someone else, so i cant help feel guilty for my own pain.


Anyway, why am i telling you all this? Thing is I think I'm in love with him. I've had previous relationships where i thought i had fallen, but this is new. He may have cheated but i know now that this boy will always have my heart, he made me feel like the most beautiful girl alive and I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss his really warm house, his amazing family, the way he kissed me, the way our hands fitted together. I'm just going to miss him.


Everyone deserves a second chance, and i don't think i can just live with him as my friend, i cant describe how he made me feel, I'm just hurt that I'll never have him back the way i used to. 


This blog has been hard to write, admitting how i feel, but truth is I'd give anything to kiss him again...


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My History

Many of you who know me, will know that i have many phobias, some stupid, some not so. I'm afraid of small spaces, loud noises, things that make me jump, spiders, the dark, being left alone, but I'm also scared about talking about my past. Many things have happened in my past which I'm not proud of and that I'm ashamed to admit. The things that happen in your past are the things that make you who you are today, some peoples experiences are worse than others, but its the things that happen that shape your personality. I'm about to share with you some of the things that have happened in my past that makes me who i am now.
Of course it takes 2 people to create a child, in my case my mum and my dad. They weren't a match made in heaven and they split up before i was born. To this day, and I'm 15 now, i don't know clearly what happened between them, i just know that the violence and alcohol wouldn't have been healthy bringing me up. If you've read my previous blogs you'll know that i love my mum but as much as i love her, she likes to get new boyfriends and move me around the country alot.
I've lived everywhere there is to live in England and I've been to countless numbers of schools, always trying hard to fit in and make friends and when i do i get pulled out of that place and dumped in a new mouldy council flat where i have to start again. 
Then there are the boyfriend's, there has been a lot, some nice, some not so. I'm scared of many things as i said but another is bonding with male adults, i find it very hard, going through life you'll find that I'm not very close with many males in my life, my step dad, my older brother, I'm not very close to them, other peoples dads, I'm terrified, I'm sure they are all lovely but my history just tells me to stay away, Your probably wondering why, but the truth is, from the age of a young girl i was, physically, emotionally and mentally abused by one of my mums boyfriends, he made my life living hell and i haven't been the same since. 
No one knew and i lived like that for years, i spent years of my life in terror of going home and facing what awaited me there. In school towards the end of the day i would dread coming home, i would feel sick when i say him in the playground waiting to collect me. It was years after, many bruises and tears after i finally cracked. I told, its hard to live like that. i wont go into detail of what happened, but it was pretty bad. He's dented my confidence in many ways. I have no self confidence or respect, I'm terrified of the dark because he used to wait for me in the dark and scare me, hence the reason i hate things that made me jump. Loud noises, the sounds of my parents arguing, and the sound of him yelling at me, as he took his anger out on me, leaving me scarred in many ways. 
One day i might recover from the horrible ordeals i faced as a child, and one day I'll get my own back on him, and he will feel the pain he caused me all these years. But still i thank him, because if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be me, the person i am today, but you have to remember there is a whole world out there for you to change and you cant let your past hold you back


xxx

7 Ways To Know You've Fallen In Love

Its a common question these days, 'How can i tell if i'm in love?' and its also very difficult to answer but here are 7 ways to show that you've fallen in love.

1. Your partner makes you feel truly good about yourself, when your with them you feel as if you can conquer the world, and you feel as if your the most beautiful and most amazing person alive.
2. When you get jealous its fleeting, but you trust the other person not to hurt you, everyone gets jealous, its healthy in small doses, but you know your partner will never hurt you.
3. Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
4. When you argue, you make up after a few hours because you cant loose the other person because your love for them is so great.
5. Your partner never asks you to choose between them and your family or friends
6. Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other persons loyalty.
7. You are more yourself with them then you are with any other person.

There you go, if you get these, then congratulations, your in love <3

Heart Break and Ache

Many people claim to suffer from heart break, but do they really. Many people think that relatives or friends die from heart break, but do they? Your heart cant really break, it doesn't physically snap in your chest, you don't actually feel pain. So why say your heart broken when your obviously not?


Many things can happen in a relationship, falling out of love, arguments, adultery and you can bet each person will experience each of these, and yes, each one hurts, but you need to realise that its not the end of the world and there are people out there worse off than you. I think its also fair that you give people more chances, fair enough after being cheated on several times, maybe you should consider moving on, but just the once, maybe it was actually a mistake, maybe they do regret it? give them another chance and if you mean that much to them they wont do it again. Falling out of love is a difficult one, you cant help who you fall for, and you cant help if you stop falling for them, you cant lie to yourself or anyone Else, you owe it to your self to be happy. If this does happen the only thing i can suggest is trying to get that spark back? Jealousy, the green eyed monster. everyone gets jealous, everyone. some people more than others, I'm a good example of this. Jealousy always seems to end my relationship, i don't know whether its because I'm sensitive and insecure or because i hate my boyfriend spending time with other girls. i really dont know. The only thing i do know, is trust. Trust is the key to every relationship, trust the other person with everything you have and it will work, trust me...

My Mum

It's nearly Christmas, 5 days to go now, and this will be the 2nd Christmas I've spent with my mum. Everyone loves their mum no matter what they say or what they do. So this ones for my mum, because i don't think she knows how much she means to me.


My mum is mental, She gets so stressy over the teeniest, tiniest things. Especially driving, her road rage is really quite something. I'm always laughing in the back of the car at the things she says, honestly, its hilarious. Her language is....well. and she shouts at me for swearing. She's addicted to her sun bed, and she always complains that everything is dirty or untidy but with out her i wouldn't be me. 


She annoys me with all her lectures and things that to be honest I'm not really interested in but i love her. She always asks me for advice on what to wear and even if i tell her she looks OK, she'll still go and change, shes beautiful. I'm glad i look like my mum because if i didn't I'd look like my dad, and i wouldn't have any friends..
She's always been so protective over me and if ever i get into any trouble she will always defend me and try and help me out even if i get into more trouble. Her taste in music is somewhat strange, but i love listening to her sing when she's hoovering and she thinks no one can hear. 


I'm glad my mums finally happy and she's decided to stay in one place and not drag me around the country, because that got annoying after a while..


Anyway, mum, this ones for you, ILOVEYOU x